An Unfortunate Closet Clean Out

I spent four hours in my closet yesterday, sorting through millions of purses, hundreds of shoes and clothing that I haven’t worn in years. Having worked retail for the majority of my adult life, I have amassed quite a collection of clothing. When you, as a woman, are faced with clothing that you might, sort of, potentially like someday and it costs under $5.00, you are compelled to purchase it. Like an addiction. So I submit, for your amusement, some various items I have unearthed from my fossil-like closet.

The Swedish Bar Maid Costume
Shorter than underwear, I actually thought that this blue satin and mostly see-through lace costume would be cute for clubs. Having been a product of the goth scene from an early age, I learned me quick that Halloween costumes would always come in handy. I figured I could pair it with vinyl boots and some blue hair extensions and stand out. I never did. I never will.

Mrs. Roper-esque Orange Caftan
The polar opposite of the bar maid, this floor length cotton monster was purchased for a mere $1.88, I thought it might be nice to do errands in or wear over my bathing suit. True, I purchased this beauty close to Thanksgiving when bathing suits are nearly useless. I guess I thought of a few errands I could run where I would have to sacrifice my pride as a woman and thought that these ugly yards of fabric would do the trick…however, now I can’t think of any place where I would actually wear this. Oh wait- wait. If I was pregnant, I would wear it to check the mail. Yep. Better hang on to it.

Red Leopard Print Pants (fur)
True, Peg Bundy was super hot on “Married With Children”. True, I’ve had a large bouffant of red and black hair quite a few times. True, I do like stiletto heels and disappointingly lazy men. However, I don’t really know where my mind was at when I decided to bring these babies home from Hot Topic. Maybe it was the additional 50% off clearance sale that drove their price (after my employee discount) down to a measly $3.65. It wouldn’t be so bad if there weren’t made of low-pile fur, nearly a velvet, but they are. And that is something I need to have less of in my life.

148 Bras
No joke. 148. Some with tags still on them. I just counted. I thought it couldn’t possibly be more than 100, 115 max. Oh, how wrong I was. I owe it to myself (and my checking account) to get the maximum amount of use out of every one of these things. I might start making quilts out of underwire and padding.

Pink/Yellow/Green Plaid Cotton Overalls
Who do I think I am? Blossom? Why did I buy these and, more importantly, WHEN? I wasn’t working in 1994. I was fourteen. These overalls are like a really good practical joke. Someone had to have hid them in my closet cleverly, knowing I would stumble across them and curse myself for ever owning anything pastel AND plaid. I would never consciously make this decision unless- oh, I know! They were probably for a costume party, since clearly I don’t own any proper costumes. That’s it. That’s what I will tell myself. I was going to dress up as DJ Tanner from Full House.

Nine Pairs of Black, Knee High Leather Boots
Yeah, the exact same pair- NINE times. True, they are stellar boots. They make my legs look long and sultry, like a Bond chick. I bought one and loved them so much that when they went on clearance (for like eight dollars) I bought another pair. Which is smart, you should have multiples of items that you really like. Then, when my store got a consolidated clearance shipment from another store, we got more of these boots and I just couldn’t help myself. So now my only choice it to find eight other girls with size 9 feet who want to start an Equestrian burlesque group.

A White Feather Jacket
It sounded like a good idea, it could have been very cool and sort of David Bowie. I thought that I could certainly find some use for it but now its just something to torture my cats with. Had I been a 6-foot something, thin, androgynous rock star I would have pulled this off. However, I’m a 5’6” girl with an under bite that has to buy pants in the old lady section since my legs are short. When I put this on, I look like an albino baby chick. And its not cute. It’s not even kitsch, it’s just an overgrown lure for when my cat decides to hide under the bed.

So please, don’t judge too harshly. I was doing my part to stimulate the economy and increase the potential value of a dwindling investment- clothing. Sure, I have great taste and usually look pretty foxy, but as you can see from my confessions I have made some very bad decisions. I guess it’s good that I got out of retail and headed into the corporate world of office jobs. Check back with me in two years when my collection of free pens and desk calendars is over taking my linen cabinet.